Two months at work

When I and my husband decided that we want to start our family, my immediate thought was ‘Okay, I will quit once the baby is here’. There was no dilemma, no confusion, no questions asked – it was just a plain, innocent looking statement – I will not work when I am a mother. Easier said than done.

I quit when I was 5 months pregnant. I spent the 4 months of my pregnancy savoring every moment. I was happy with my decision of quitting. I could take better care of myself and my baby. Eating well, eating at the right time, getting some exercise, spending time on puja and meditation, keeping myself calm… everything was working well. Then my baby arrived and my life did a somersault. I was thrilled that my baby was here. I enjoyed caring for him and being a mother, but I was not happy. I felt as if there was something missing in my life. I used to recall those days when I was working. The challenges, the pressure, the deadlines – I realized I enjoyed all these. Then it dawned on me, why did I quit at all?

I decided to get back to work when my baby turned one. The decision was anything but easy. It was very easy to quit, but it’s harder to get back to work. I was and still am in a dilemma. One part of me didn’t want to take the risk of going to work and seeing my child suffer. Another part of me wanted me to work and have my own life. With some push from my husband and divine intervention, I finally took the plunge and resumed work.

It’s been exactly two months since I started working and things are not all that bad. Yes, N misses me and cries a bit when I leave for work, but he is not emotionally harmed. I was afraid that his development might be hampered if he misses me too much. Thank God, that hasn’t happened. I have a live-in maid who takes really good care of N. For now, my mom stays with me, so I can go to work totally relaxed. I dread that day when she has to go back to her house.

I was talking to another working mother who has a two-year old child. I was hoping I could get some advice from her. My logic was that she has been doing this working-mom thingy for 2 years, so she should be past the guilty phase and she should be an expert in this. Wrong. I was completely wrong. She is in exactly the same phase as I am in. I thought the guilt and the emotional suffering will go away with time. Turns out that is not the case. And that is a piece of bad news for me.

So, what am I going to do? Take each day as it comes. Keep consoling myself that the fact that I am feeling guilty makes me a good mother. If things become too difficult to handle, quit and sit at home.