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Scarred

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When I learnt about the unfortunate incident of my sister-in-law burning my nephew’s skin, I reacted with horror and shock. I confronted her as to how she could do it and when I realized she didn’t mean to do it and it was an accident, I still could not fathom how she could do it, even accidentally. Until I did the same to my kid.

It was one of the horrible days when N was hyper-active and I had to keep an eye on him every second. I and my husband were busy with preparations for the festival and we already had too  many things on our plate and N was intruding in every step. My patience was already running low and the straw broke when he bit the maid so hard that her finger bled. I lost all my cool and threatened to give a burn unless he behaved. N was at his worst and he mocked me and said ‘Do it, ma, I will bite her again, so do it’. I kept the ladle on the flame for a second (I swear it was a second) and threatened him again, hoping he will calm down, but he kept on insisting what he did was okay and he would repeat it again. I put the spoon on my skin to ensure it wasn’t really hot and then gently put it on his leg. The spoon probably touched his skin for a fraction of a second. N got scared that the spoon actually  made contact with the skin and immediately changed his tone. He didn’t cry, so I assumed he wasn’t hurt. He apologized to the maid and went on his way and continued with his terrible toddler behavior the rest of the day.

I didn’t think much about the incident and realized the damage I had done only in the evening. I realized, to my horror, that I had given a nasty burn wound to my son. The moment I saw what I had done, I felt so guilty for everything: for losing patience, for thinking of such a nasty punishment, for actually doing it and worse, not feeling bad about it until I realized what happened.

It doesn’t matter that I felt extremely guilty and cried for an hour, doesn’t matter I punished myself for this, doesn’t matter that my eyes welled up every time I saw the wound, doesn’t matter that I felt and still feel like the worst mother on earth – all it matters is I hurt my own kid. All the promises I had made to myself and my kid that I will protect him from being hurt flew out the window. I am deeply worried that this incident doesn’t scar my kid for ever and that he doesn’t start hating me for this. He has all the rights to hate me, though. Will he remember this and ask me ‘Mom, how could you do this to me? You brought me into the world for this?’

Nothing I do can change the horrible crime I have committed, but I tell myself this is my waking up moment. I need to rethink on how I am bringing up my kid and whether I am worthy of being a mother at all. If I had a genie granting me a wish, I would wish for that horrible moment to be erased from my life. I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from doing what I did. But, I know there are no genies, and I have to live with this guilt.

Written by A

September 16, 2011 at 5:39 am

Posted in Life, Parenting

Weaned!

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One of my biggest worries when it came to N was his addiction to his bottle. He was so attached to it and dependent on it that I was afraid he was going to enter college with a bottle in his bag. He was never a sound sleeper and I suspected his disturbed sleep on his bottle. He would search for his bottle all around him even in his sleep and would wake up crying if he didn’t find it. When I had many sleepless nights in a row, I decided to take things in my hand and wean him off the bottle.

First step was to let N know that the bottle was going away. I told him a story about a crow and its teeny, tiny babies which are hungry because they don’t have a bottle to drink milk with. N was so concerned he voluntarily gave the bottle and asked me to give it to ‘ka-ka’. I left the bottles in the balcony and after a few minutes, the crow took the bottles away and left some chocolates for N. So good so far.

Come afternoon, his nap time and the kid refused to go to sleep without a bottle. The moment I said ‘nap’, he would say ‘bottle’. Eventually, the day turned to night and he hadn’t taken a nap. No crying, atleast. So good so far.

He had a good dinner and said ‘sleep’ and added ‘bottle’ to it. I reminded him about the crow and he had this sad expression on his face which clearly meant ‘Why did I ever give the bottle away?’ I told him a story, sang him a song and he fell asleep in a few minutes. Not bad!

After two hours, N woke up screaming and asked for bottle. I reminded him about the crow, but no use. He demanded that the crow get the bottle back because ‘it’s mine and I want it now’. I gave him gems and he went back to sleep. This went on for a couple of times all through the night and none of us had a good sleep. Thank God, I had decided to leave the bottles in the office, otherwise I would have weakened and given him the bottle.

After this horrible night, I wasn’t looking forward to the next day, but it was relatively uneventful. N took a nap and slept well in the night. He did wake up a couple of times, but there was no screaming or flailing arms or stomping feet. From then on, it was a smooth sail. He had this sad look in his eyes for a few days and it tore my heart. I felt so sorry for him that the object of his affection went away. Thankfully, it didn’t affect him emotionally. Overnight, there was a complete change in my little kid. He started behaving all grown up, he was a big boy now, you see, because he no longer used a bottle. He drinks milk in his new, bright orange cup and he loves it.

Looking back, I am extremely lucky that things went so smooth for me and N. Thank God and thank the mothers on my parenting forum. Now that he is weaned, there are certain changes in his routine.

Pros
1. N sleeps really well in the night. From waking up every 2 hours to sleeping like a log all through the night, it has been a welcome change. Only mothers can understand when I say ‘He sleeps through the night’.
2.  His appetite is much better. He eats a good three meals a day and snacks in between, 2-3 cups of milk a day and he is set.
3. He is all grown up now. It might be my illusion but N has this grown up look now. He talks differently and behaves differently. Even my mom agrees with me on this, so it may not be an illusion after all.
4. He is slowly learning to fall asleep on his own. You see, I never tried the no-cry solution or the CIO technique to make him learn to fall asleep. I know he is going to learn that when the time comes. Till then, I don’t mind singing for him until he dozes off.

Cons
1. Since he doesn’t use a bottle anymore, it takes longer to put him to bed. A story and a song isn’t enough any more. It usually goes on for 2 stories and a couple of songs. It sometimes takes an hour and on those days, my husband finds me asleep when N is happily playing next to me.
2. Making him drink from a cup during the day is a bit hard.

All said and done, weaning worked like a charm for me. I am kicking myself why I didn’t try this earlier!



Written by A

September 7, 2010 at 3:03 pm

One One Eleven

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That’s N in action (walking), wearing my handknit Pebble vest. I made one for Anya, Rima’s daughter, liked it a lot and had to make another one for N.

N is 11 months old. Some highlights:

1. Standing and walking came back to back. Ninu learnt to stand independently and just after a few days, he started to walk. ‘He walks’ is an understatement, more like ‘he runs’. He is so thrilled to walk, he hardly walks on fours now. He is proud to be on twos, more adult like.

2. I finally solved the disturbed sleep problem. I used to take him to the park in the evening, which was very close to his bedtime. He was getting overstimulated and thus the disturbed sleep at night. I started taking him to play earlier in the day and that has given all of us some much needed sleep.

3. He is cutting two bottom teeth. Yay!

4. N tasted ice-cream for the first time and did he love it! The cold feeling on his gums and tongue was something totally new for him. He couldn’t stand the cold factor, but he loved the taste a lot.

5. He got his first proper haircut. I had a beauty parlor lady come over to my place. I was very sure he wouldn’t cry. I was more worried about his restlessness, which did give the parlor lady a hard time. In the end, the experience was good. I won’t worry about his next haircut.

6. N says “Amma” now. Isn’t that great? It’s not like calling out or addressing me, but he has definitely learnt the word. Hurray.

7. Separation anxiety is at its peak. Its worse at night. I am starting full-time job next week and I am not looking forward to it. N has gelled well with his nanny and my mom is here for a few days, so things should be fine. Keeping fingers crossed.

8. Curd rice is his favorite food right now. It works every single time.

9. He started identifying a lot of things. Clock, diya, book, donkey (his stuffed toy), rice, chapati and so on. You just have to ask him ‘how does the clock go?’ and he waves his finger to say ‘tick tock, tick tock’. We have a clock with a pendulum and that’s the reason behind his action.

10. His earrings are off, so he looks more boyish, though I still have to answer ‘No, it’s a boy’ many times even now.

11. I saw a new face of his when we went to stay over at my mom’s place. My brother has a 7 month old boy and N likes him a lot. He can’t stand it if I, my hubby or my mom play with him. Possessiveness in all its ugly form! I had enough after two days. We cut short our stay.

Written by A

November 12, 2009 at 3:56 pm

Posted in baby, Baby Update, Life

So, what’s awesome about me?

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Munchkin’s mom from The Munchkin Blog tagged me to write about seven awesome things about me. Now, if the tag was about seven awful things, I would have blogged about it in no time, but since it is about awesome things, I took so long to finally get around to jotting it down. I turned to my hubby for ideas, but he wasn’t of any help. I guess he thinks there is nothing awesome about me. Sigh!

Okay, here goes. (Why am I suddenly so self-conscious!)

1. I am a quick learner. I grasp things really easily. I am quite good at it picking up a new technique or a new skill. I learnt knitting and crocheting all by myself and am quite good at them and that brings us to the second awesome thing about me.

2. I am quite good at knitting. You want proof? Okay, let me shed my inhibition and say I am a very good knitter. I am proud of myself that I learnt this skill on my own and even mastered it.

3. I am flexible, body wise. I have been working out in a gym on and off since 7-8 years. I have gone to 4-5 different gyms in these years and every time my instructor told me that my body is flexible. I can do crunches, sit ups, stretches with ease. How I wish I was a few inches leaner!

4. My pain threshold is high. I had a bad case of RSI (Reptetive Stress Syndrome) and had severe neck pain. I underwent physiotherapy to treat that and the lady who used to treat me was amazed that I can handle so much of pressure. She was the first person who brought it to my notice that my pain threshold is higher than average. This was proved once again when I went through 20 hours of labor with no pain relief.

5. I am a fast reader. I can finish a big book in no time, provided it’s interesting. I finished The Eyre Affair in half a day.

6. I am good with kids. No, honestly. And this was even before my own baby arrived. I know how to play with babies and kids. I know what interests them, how to console them, distract them and entertain them. This has been proved on numerous occasions. There is a shy, little girl in my mom’s neighborhood and she hardly talks to anyone, but the first time we met, we both had a blast. She even invited me to her room to look at her teddy. Her mom was shocked! Till this day, the little girl who is not so little anymore comes running to me whenever I visit my mom.

7. I am particularly proud of my knowledge of Hindi film music. I have been listening to Lata, Asha, Kishore and Rafi since childhood and my interest only deepened with age and was further increased after marrying another Hindi film music aficionado.

People who know me can either agree or refute this.

Written by Anaamica

August 25, 2009 at 12:01 pm

Posted in Life

Half way there

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foot3

It feels like it was just yesterday that we brought our baby home and our little fellow is already 6 months old. The past 6 months were like a roller coaster ride – highs of baby grins, cuddles, sloppy kisses and lows of feeding issues, sleepless nights and mood swings. Whatever it may be, the journey sure was interesting.

Ninu is an expert crawler now. He has found a technique which is somewhere in between crawling and all-fours and he is very fast at that. He covers the entire hall in a matter of seconds. He loves going under the armchair and hiding there. He waits until one of us spots him and then he grins widely as if to say “See where I am!”

His grasp is better too. He is slowly learning the princer grasp, he will get there one day. He sits really well with support and can manage for a few seconds without a support. He is more eager to stand rather than sit. His sleep schedule has gone haywire. He sleeps whenever he wants and I am not trying to change it. He wears dangling earrings now and looks just like a girl. I so want to dress him up like a girl. He is teething badly and has a stomach upset every now and then. I know it is normal, but I wish those darn teeth make an appearance soon and put and end to his miseries. We are making progress on the path of solids. He tried mashed carrot and loved it. Palak soup is his favorite now. He has learnt to say ‘Amma’, though he doesn’t know what it means. I love it whenever he utters that word.

When my baby was a few days old, I wanted him to grow up so that he could respond to me. I wanted his face to light up whenever he saw me – and indication that he knows his mother from the rest of the world. I badly wanted to see a smile and see myself in his eyes. When I saw his first smile, I wanted him to coo. That happened and I wanted him to hold me tight. Then I wanted him to crawl around. Then I wanted him to sit. Now I am badly waiting for that day when he starts talking. While I am waiting for the next big thing, I am forgetting to enjoy what I already have. Why am I in such a big rush? Why can’t I enjoy the drooling smiles and toothless grins that I have now rather than eagerly wait for something which will eventually come?  Am I the only one or all mothers are like this?

Written by Anaamica

June 10, 2009 at 1:16 pm

Posted in baby, Baby Update, Life

Tagged with

Tagged

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I have been tagged by Anuradha. The tag sounds interesting and I was curious to see what will turn up as my sixth photo in my sixth photo folder. And this is what it is.

rain

This photograph was taken from our balcony in our new house. When we moved into this house, we were ecstatic about the view of the forest. The balcony and the huge window in the hall give us beautiful, breathtaking views of the adjoining greenery. On one of those unexpected rainy days of Bangalore, the forest looked beautiful. Once the rain stopped, little droplets of water hung on every branch and leaf, ready to fall. My husband captured one such moment. I think the photo has come out well. With the focus on the water droplets and background slightly hazy, it makes for a great photo.

I don’t know who to tag, so if you are reading this, you are tagged!

Written by Anaamica

March 6, 2009 at 7:33 am

Posted in Life, Uncategorized

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Joys of motherhood

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A major change has occurred in my life in the form of my son. Even before I started fantasizing about my Mr.Right and my dream guy, I had been dreaming about having a baby. This dream finally came true.

I have heard women say that they burst out crying when they see their baby for the first time. I was expecting something on the same lines, but when my baby was all wrapped up and placed on my chest, I hardly felt anything. I was still under sedation, but I know that is not the reason. Even otherwise, it took me quite some time to acknowledge this new addition to my family and to actually feel any motherly love. While my husband was staring at our baby and gushing, I felt a pang of jealousy. Why wasn’t I feeling anything towards my own baby? Was I not a good mother? After going through 24 hours of labor pain, shouldn’t I be jumping with joy that my baby has finally arrived? That motherly feeling came when I nursed my baby for the first time. He sucked a few times and promptly fell asleep and when the sister said, ‘For him this is the safest place, that’s why he fell asleep’, I couldn’t help but cry. Finally, I was a mother.

Since then, there have been some wonderful moments of motherhood. When my baby wakes up and stares into my eyes, I can almost imagine him crying out ‘Amma’. I am at bliss when he is nursing. When he sucks and takes a gulp and gives out a satisfactory ‘hmmm’, I feel so warm inside. He clutches at my finger so tight as if to say ‘I am scared. Please don’t leave me alone’. I feel great that a tiny little being trusts me the most in this world, but at the same time, I am scared whether I can live upto his expectations, whether I can really protect him from this evil world. When he responds to my or my husband’s voice and turns to see where we are, we just can’t help but feel proud for having this little bundle of joy. When he smiles in his sleep, I feel good that he likes this world enough for him to smile. I am waiting for that day when he will actually smile at me. Till then, I don’t mind staring at him all the time while he is asleep just to catch that little smile on his lips.

Written by Anaamica

January 7, 2009 at 3:12 pm

Posted in baby, Life

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